Living My Second Chance

I think Erika and I just had the most incredible conversation of my life. Ever. I have never appreciated anyone so much and I have never realized how genuinely loved I felt until that moment. So much of my life makes sense now because of how she is. She is the only she I’m not afraid of. I really had no idea how exciting this could be. I didn’t see how deep in love we are clearly until just a few minutes back. This is so much more beautiful than I could’ve even understood a day ago. My mind, for the first time, is completely happy. Thank you, Erika. I love you with my whole heart.

I’ve been thinking so much about life lately. Every single day is so unique. I almost hate it. I can’t remember it all. So much happens in a day. It really is so amazing though. Every day, I thank God for keeping me around this long. I appreciate every single second of every day, so much so that it drives me crazy that details fade here and there and it all becomes one big knit of yesterdays, but it’s such a bright quilt. No stitch is the same, not even the little rips in it are like any of the others. I have a lot of room for regrets but I don’t let them follow me around. I am one wretched story of a person, my moral journey has been a dark one, full of hurt and hardship. But I won’t let all these negatives make me weak. They are just the concrete in between the bricks of the new me. They are still a part of me, but now I know they support why I have my better morals. I asked for explanation but I didn’t get straight answers… I got days to experiment with…. And then answers. Right before I came back to my faith, I started thinking that I would rather live like there was a God to find out there wasn’t one than to live like there was no God to find out there was one. This isn’t about fear. This is about respect and love and thankfulness and accountability. It’s not even that hard to live differently. It just takes a simple change of view and change of heart. Many people say that no higher power should dictate their life decisions. That’s all fine with me, but if you’re looking for answers and want something new and inspiring, why not give it a chance? See if it’s all it’s cracked up to be. I’m confident. Right now, I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I think you can guess where my credit for that is going. 

Its so easy for someone to want to fight faith, and it’s not hard for them to feel like they’re making a good argument. How can you REALLY prove that God exists? People think that they can fight someone’s faith by explaining every single miracle of nature in complete scientific precision. If you can do that, you are only proving my point. God was just THAT good. He did all that math, He made all of those decisions, He put everything into play, He skipped trial and error and dropped a sweet rhyme that resulted in the creation of this entire space/time interface. Why do we give so much credit to the people that discover the anomalies of our world, rather than crediting the one who CREATED the anomalies? Einstein discovered this, Newton discovered that, Columbus found this… God created it all. I have all of my answers. You should take a step closer to yours.  

Every morning is a revival, and each afternoon is a funeral because I don’t want the unique experience of that day to to end, but each night is a celebration that the day is dead, because tomorrow, my next new revival, is that much closer. I don’t really know what I’m getting at, but life is a story of cuts and scars and pain and loss, but you’re not the only one. Most of us have stories like you. We’ve been there, done that, and maybe we ARE there, DOING that, but this is the only chance we’ll ever get to be here, so it is not to be wasted. I don’t fear death anymore, I expect it. I’ve looked it in the face and, with power that was none of my own, continued on. After everything that happened, I just can’t fear death. It has no dominion over me. I’m here for a reason, I finally see that and grasp that and WANT that. I’m not here to get rich or die trying, I’m here to get right and die trying. I hate when I see someone that is being consumed by something in their heads. Something eating away at them, their justification for whatever they may be showing the world. Yes, what you go through may be serious or life-changing or disturbing or confusing, but one day you have to get off its leash and put it on yours. It needs to become part of your testimony. You are not a slave to a person. You are not a slave to a moment. 

I grow with every second that passes. I have been so blessed over these last few months in so many different ways. So much has come into perspective. Things that should have destroyed me have only made my will stronger. The things that I should regret don’t pull at me anymore. The life I was living is so far beyond time that all I have are the stories. I’m happy that they are all I have though, because I can pass them on and encourage whoever else may need it. I’ve seen enough and I’ve heard enough and I’ve lived enough that now it’s my turn to affect someone else’s life. It’s my turn to help that spiritually confused person, it’s my turn to smile, it’s my turn to give, it’s my turn to pray.

When people don’t know you’re watching, it’s amazing what they think they can get away with. I’m shocked more and more by the audacity that people assume when they think all the lights are off, and they don’t know what they’re doing is gonna end up getting out one way or another. Then, when they get caught, it’s a pity fight and a festival of excuses as to why they should be allowed to do what they do and how it’s now irrational that they can’t, even though they were the ones crossing the line. It’s funny how they play the “boohoo, I wasn’t wrong, but now I can be arrogant” card, when, meanwhile, what they’re doing could get them legally buttstuffed and tossed in the general direction of the jailhouse.

If people we as ugly on the outside as they are on the inside, I’m sure this world would be a less-than-flashy place. I’m also sure that if people would help in the world as much as they’ve been hurt in it, we would all be much more excited to exist alongside each other. 

Peace is a pipe dream… Thank God I brought my skateboard.

Me and my family are in Florida,  and we have gone swamp boating, suspended rope coursing, indoor skydiving, saw Inception, went to a Yanks vs Rays game, and we’re staying with my cousin Vincent who is awesome. I like my family, I just can’t wait to have my own :)

I’m enjoying my time away but I miss everyone and everything at home. All my best friends, the parties, the talks, the walks, the adventures, the Taco Bell runs, my drum set, and definitely my lover. I miss the kids from youth group, I miss the guys from work, I miss the life that I’ve been given. As good as it is to get away, I wish I could take all of that whenever I leave. I wanna get away from the place, not the people. 

My mind continues to figure itself out, I just wanna know how I got as complex as I am. I know I fail but I remember that I’ve been saved and there’s somebody stronger than I am suffering with me. I’ve been blessed with far more than what I deserve. I thank God for all that He has done in my life, and I’m ready for more.

I just got Between the Buried and Me’s new album on vinyl. It’s so sick. The records are like light grey with little strips of dark gray in them. Next my new Mastodon album is coming in the mail… can’t wait. Then I wanna get my first picture disc! But oh yeah, my needle is broken :( One day I’ll pick up an Unearth album on vinyl, as well as Megadeth, Ozzy, Slipknot, Slayer, and Relient K… and here I go sounding like a 9th grader again lol. 

I can’t wait to be on the plane home. I’m not really a big fan of flying, but if it’ll get me home fast, I’ll take it! 

I am second in command in my life, higher than any other human. I intended to have it kept that way. Cleanse me. 

I love you Lord, and I lift my voice to worship you. Oh my soul, rejoice. Take joy my king, in what you hear. May it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear :)

I’m going camping soon

I hate what the media shows the world about “christians.” I feel like they only show the crazy ones that are extremists, the ones that hate soldiers and bash funerals and go gay hunting and love to hate everything “in the name of Jesus.” Real Christians are not media christians. If you only watch T.V., you know very little about Christians. I’m just annoyed about it. They say all press is good press… not so. Not so.

I spent the last few days realizing the importance of people in my life. There are some people that I like, some people I don’t, some people that I love, some people that love me, some that I need, some I can do without, and some that are here, and some that are gone, some that I don’t remember, and some that I will never forget.

No matter what category you are in, I want to say thank you for contributing to the me that I have become. It would not have been possible without you. Each person has had such a unique and individual effect on me that no other person in the world could have had.

Whether you have left my life, I have left yours, you forgot me, or I forgot you, or if you’re still around, or if you’ve passed on, you have been a blessing to me.

I have so much new hope for a few of you. I don’t think you’re as complete as you think you are, and I started to see you grow a bit in a very good direction recently. You have been denied something beautiful, whatever it may be, but now that you’re a bit softer after recent events, you’re looking for the light to shed itself on long unanswered questions. All I have to say is SWEEEET. Because that is AWESOME and it’s ALL I ever wanted for you. I have faith that you’ll get your answers. Seek and you will find, ask and it shall be shown to you.

Is one of my absolute favorite things to do. When I cook, I feel like Remy from the scene in Ratatouille when he he finds out how amazing mixing foods is and all the fireworks are going off. All the smells and tastes, not so much textures though, are so exciting.

I’ve been learning how to cook for forever now. I always watched my mom growing up. I would ask my Nana questions as she cooked for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays… everything. I bothered Nanu until he agreed to teach me how to make pasta. I could care less about hibachi karate tricks, I barely watch the tricks, I want to see what’s cooking! Steve’s dad, Chris Twohill’s dad way back when, every guy I’ve ever seen grill… I take tips where ever I can find them, like learning new stuff from random people at music stores.

Well, today I made fried rice and walnut chicken for the first time. A phone call to Nana and a two hour conversation with my lovely mother about the new healthcare bill (fail), the upcoming generation of kids, and conspiracies… IT WAS AWESOME.

Anyways, dinner was a complete success. One of the cool days in my life was definitely today.

It was made up of Thomas The Tank Engine, our awesome tree house at Whitewood Drive, camping way upstate with the whole family, trips out to Oregon, raising Bonnie, Jumper, Mercy, and Playful, train sets, Legos, camporees, and model rockets. I bought a a rocket the other day with Erika. I got the engine size that I wasn’t allowed to get growing up because it was too powerful. Now I have it. I am officially about to complete my childhood at age 20.

Life is absolutely fantastic.

I feel wonderful right now.

This weekend, I took the train out to Jersey to see my second family.

Friday: Hung out in the city, got lost on the way to White Manna (the best burger place that side of the Hudson), went back to Steve’s dad’s, and relaxed for the rest of the night. Jacked a few beers from the fridge and talked to my best bro about females until about 3 o’clock.

Saturday: Wake up, rip the covers off Steve’s bed, shower, watch some TV on the fabulous new HDTV they got, go to an awesome bed and breakfast for Corned Beed Hash, and then bounced to Steve’s dad’s friend’s party, where me, Steve, and his dad proceeded to get really drunk. We made shots of Frangelico (hazelnut), Amaretto (almond), and 43 (vanilla), and had like five of them. It made it to Ron and Steve’s Honorable List of Original Shots, which is now the second shot on the list, graced only with the company of the Brainwashed Mind (Midori, Amaretto, Vanilla, Crushed Ice). We’re thinking of calling it Vink’s Revenge, because Vinky was the only one who couldn’t drink because she was driving. We also pounded a few shots of Limoncella (Italian Lemon), Canton (Ginger Liquor), and Alize (Mango Peach-ish), along with two Yuengling Dark and Tan’s at dinner. Anyways, we got home and broke out the guitars. Yes. We practiced until three in the morning, totally hammered. Most amazing set ever.

Sunday: Sam and baby Jacob visited. He is very cute and loves arabian accents. Washed the cars, hung out, went to Hibachi to celebrate Steve’s birthday, went to Coldstone, and then made the drive home with Steve. Listened to Paramore, Maylene and the Sons of Disaster, and Unearth all the way home. Saw Erika, very awesome to see her again <3 and the hit up 711 with Steve, just like old times.

He will be back in town this year, which I honestly have to say is a relief because I miss him being around. It was getting weird having no bro around when I need a midnight Taco Bell run or a long talk and a stoge. I am thankful for him.

I am also thankful for my lovely Erika, who is everything I’ve needed and will continue to need. She is a relatively new addition to my life, but fits like a puzzlepiece and is invited to stay with me for forever.

I am still working on erasing certain things from my life. There is a lot left over from the pain of the last few years, but I am making substantial amounts of progress, with the help of my family, my second families (Steve’s and Erika’s), the company of my brother, and the Lord. Life had thrown me a few really hard bricks in between eleventh grade and my first year of college. It’s been really tough but everything has come into focus, and I know exactly what needs to be done to correct everything I made it through. Some things like to come back and haunt me, but I’m stronger than any of that and I am in control of myself and I trust the hands that I’m in now. Anything that comes against me is evaluated and solved within a few days now. I feel very secure, although sometimes there is the rare relapse. Never the end-all, I move on with things and value what needs my valuing, tend to things that demand my attention, and create what I need to create in order to make progress in life.

I shaved about two hours ago, and my face is thanking me. I hate growing hair on my neck, it hurts to shave and stings when I shower, but my side-cheeks are breathing and happy to be getting some light of day, rather than being hidden by massive sideburns.

Hey summer, you’re welcome to come and stay when ever you like… Like right now would be nice.

Thank you, God, for my life :)

I love you, Lord, and I lift my voice to worship You. Oh, my soul, rejoice! Take joy, my King, in what You hear. May it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear.